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You Haven’t Found ‘The One’ Because You’re Looking for the Wrong Things
Honesty time: How often do you ignore, swipe left on or otherwise reject people on dating apps for superficial reasons? Even besides looks, this could be things like how tall they are, if they seem like they have an exciting career, or whether they’re posing with the right number of friends in their pictures.
If so, you may very well be sabotaging your own chances at love on dating apps — and IRL. Why? Well, you’re looking for all the wrong things, at least according to a recent study.
Researchers found that the traits that make someone most desirable have to do with wealth, height, profession, race, religion, and more. However, they also found that while singles may find those traits initially attractive, they have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on relationship satisfaction or success.
RELATED: What to Look for in a Relationship Partner
“Initial attraction does not guarantee chemistry or lifelong relationship happiness,” explains relationship expert Michelle Devani. “Weight, height, and other physical qualities change and fade over time.”
And although someone’s race or profession may affect how you relate to each other, Devani notes that your compatibility definitely doesn’t depend on them.
“It’s the qualities we don’t see or can’t touch that sustain a relationship — like integrity, compassion, thoughtfulness, and consistency,” says Mel Williams, a relationship expert and self-healing lifestyle coach.
With that in mind, here are some of the traits and qualities that are important to look for in a partner while you’re swiping away.
7 Traits to Look Out for When Searching for a Real-Deal Partner
1. Work-life balance
According to Williams, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, you’ll want to keep an eye out for any signs that your date is a workaholic.
Do they know how to say “no” to work-related requests, or do they constantly reschedule on you when something comes up at their job? Or, if the nature of their job is a little unpredictable, do they make it a point to provide a solution and reschedule?
There’s nothing wrong with being driven and career-minded, you just want to make sure you’re not going to continually be taking a backseat to their professional pursuits.
2. Kindness
It might go without saying, but if your date is kind to others, that’s a good sign they’ll show you the same patience, tenderness, and consideration.
“Kindness comes in many forms,” says dating coach Marlena Del Hierro.
Some examples include: if your date goes out of their way to meet up near your office when you’re working late, remembers to check in to see how that big presentation went, or gives you a sincere compliment.
Matchmaker Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, recommends paying attention to how they treat your server or bartender when you go out together — because this is a strong indicator of how they’ll treat a potential partner, too.
3. Consistency
This one is pretty easy to spot from the get-go. Does your date follow through on plans you make together? Text when they say they’re going to? Don’t underestimate how much this kind of consistency matters, says Williams.
“Understandably, no partner can be expected to do this perfectly all of the time,” says Del Hierro. “However, if they repeatedly cannot keep their word, that breeds disappointment — and eventually, resentment.”
When someone’s communication is super spotty, or they flake out on dates at the last minute, that’s a sign that you can’t rely on them. And reliability is so crucial to your sense of security in a long-term relationship. If you can’t depend on them to show up for drinks when they were supposed to, then you probably can’t depend on them to be there for you when you really need them.
4. Similar goals
Assuming you’re looking for a serious relationship, psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Heather Browne says it’s crucial to consider whether or not the person you’re interested in has a similar life vision. If you’re dead set on settling down and starting a family and they’re just eager to travel the world, it’s probably not going to work — that is, unless you’re both able to meet in the middle somewhere.
There are lots of ways to figure out whether your goals align early on, starting with asking the right questions. Hearing the other persons’s responses to things like
- “Is family important to you?”
- “Do you ever picture yourself having kids?”
- “What’s the next step for you in your career?”
can offer valuable information about whether you’re both envisioning a similar future.
5. Emotional availability
“If you can’t talk to your partner about your feelings and internal experiences, the relationship will quickly lose its shine,” says Del Hierro.
Emotional availability is pretty easy to recognize, too. If your date is able to openly and honestly express their feelings, and acknowledge yours as well, that means they’re capable of forming an emotional bond, those are all good signs.
RELATED: Everything You Need to Know About Being Emotionally Unavailable
For example, if they listen intently while you vent about your bad day at work, and then they validate your experience by saying something along the lines of “Wow, that sounds so frustrating, I’d have felt the same way,” that indicates they’ll probably be able to make space for your emotions again in the future.
“Emotional availability increases intimacy,” adds Del Hierro.
6. Optimism
Positive people aren’t just more pleasant to be around, says Trombetti — they also tend to bring out the best in others, too. When someone oozes negativity, that can drain you emotionally and energetically.
So, take note if your date seems to focus more on the good things that are happening in their life or the bad. Do they brush it off and come up with an alternative idea when the weather ruins your plans for an outdoor date, or dwell on the disappointment? Do they seem confident and upbeat about their future even though things at work have been slightly stressful lately? These tendencies don’t only demonstrate optimism, but also resilience.
As Trombetti points out, you’ll want an optimistic partner you can lean on for encouragement, hope, and reassurance when life inevitably throws you some curveballs down the line.
7. Gratitude
One of the most common complaints that couples who have been together for a long time often have is that their partner doesn’t seem to appreciate them anymore. They start taking their partner for granted and don’t even acknowledge their kind and loving gestures anymore. That’s why Trombetti suggests taking notice of whether or not your date expresses gratitude freely.
Do they let you know how much they appreciate the research you put into planning the perfect date? Do they make it a point to thank customer service or restaurant staff when you’re out together? That’s the kind of partner you want: someone who notices the little things.
Keep in mind that all of these key qualities can be somewhat challenging to identify on dating apps. While the information in someone’s profile and the messages you exchange can certainly provide some insight, it usually takes meeting up with someone in person to find out if they really have the qualities you need and want in a partner.
This is why experts advise moving your conversation off the app as soon as you sense there’s mutual interest, and scheduling a date so you can get a better sense of the person’s character, personality, and values. Even a virtual date over a video chatting platform is better than messaging back and forth.
“The apps were great during the pandemic, and they serve a purpose, but you learn so much more about a person when you meet IRL,” Dr. Browne says.
Scrolling through endless faces on an app and checking boxes for traits you want in a partner can make dating feel more like an impersonal job, says Dr. Browne. And dating is supposed to be at least a little fun, remember?
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